Yom Kippur Reflection

Today was Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish year. The day is spent reflecting on the past year, and asking God and others for forgiveness for any transgression that we may have committed. Last Yom Kippur, as I sat in services and was given the chance to atone for my sins, I instantly thought about my eating disorder. At the time, I had been meeting with a nutritionist once a week and with a therapist twice a week, and it felt like what we were doing was an intense treatment for anorexia. But it most definitely wasn't enough, not nearly enough, and I knew that, even though I would not have been able to admit it.

  During the period of time between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, there is a Jewish tradition where you perform a casting off ceremony known is "tashlich," where you throw bread into water, to symbolize throwing away your sins and letting go of the past year.

Last year, my family and I went on a walk to a river and threw bread into the running stream in the woods. We talked as a family for a little bit, and I saw my mother getting choked up, because it had been such a difficult time with me. I saw her face and I felt terrible. Then as we turned to the water to throw in our bread, I spoke silently to myself. "You have worried your parents too much." "You are so expensive because of the therapy." "You are ruining family meals." "You are the worst daughter; just stop being dramatic and start eating.” I thought in that moment I could turn EVERYTHING around. I wanted to turn things around. A part of me thought that maybe just throwing those magical bread pieces would cure me. But things were spiraling quickly and five days later, I was admitted into the eating disorder hospital and began the really intense treatment for anorexia.   

  Now, thinking back to that time, and reflecting today, what I want to do is apologize to myself. I thought I was in control. I thought I could stop it from getting worse. I thought I had ruined my family. None of that was the case. I could not control the ED thoughts. I could not stop being sick until I had a proper level of treatment. And in that moment, while I definitely was causing stress to my family, their love never wavered and today we are a more united group than ever before.   

  Today we also performed tashlich and it was very different. While we read a prayer and discussed what we were doing, the vibe was light and kind of easy, not the heaviness of a year ago. As terrible a time as the last year was, I now recognize that I should not blame myself for the hell my family and I went through. I now recognize that repairing the world (called Tikkun Olam in Hebrew) starts with repairing myself.  And repairing myself means being gentle, kind, and forgiving to myself.  I have done a lot of work to get there. Yom Kippur is about doing better in the year ahead. I plan to focus on my accomplishments from this past year and strive to be even braver for the challenges that lie ahead.