End of Freshman Year Reflection

Hi everyone! It has been a bit since I’ve written a blog post and it feels great to be here again. I just finished my freshman year at Lehigh and I thought I would give you all an update on my life and my recovery journey! To start, I am so proud to say that I LOVED my first year of college, met many incredible people, and learned so much. If you are one of those Lehigh students who are now reading my blog, I thank you for your interest in what I have to say and for the year we had together :)

Nine months ago, like probably every person who is heading off to college for the first time, I was really nervous. But I also had the added anxiety about my ongoing recovery. I wasn’t sure I could manage it all on my own after having my family and friends at home as my support network. I was so fortunate to meet my roommate Nina before school started. We became besties immediately and we supported each other through all of the challenges of freshman year. When I had anxiety about meeting new people, when I was frustrated with classes, and when I was missing my family, Nina gave me the hugs I needed. I am so grateful for our friendship and the many others I have made this year.

One of the many challenges I faced was becoming comfortable eating in a dining hall. When I was at my most sick, I was unable to eat in front of other people, and I certainly couldn’t eat in a place where I had to choose my own meal. Even though by the time I started my freshman year I had been eating in front of people for a long time, I still was really scared. I had to adjust to not always liking the food choices, not wanting to be so social throughout a meal, and sometimes having to push myself to eat even when I didn't want to. It was hard at times but I learned that Eddie always makes it so much scarier than it really is. I learned through my treatment that the only way to manage fear and anxiety is to face it. And so I had to feel the fear, face the fear, and eventually, eating in the dining hall was just something I did. I hope that any incoming freshman who fears the dining hall experience will know that it is ok to be anxious AND that you can muster the strength to power through it.

I also surprised myself by stepping out of my comfort zone and joining a new club and sorority! I really am proud of myself that I had the strength and confidence to apply for Peer Health Advisors which is a group of students on campus trained to provide peer-to-peer support, advice, resources, and programming to promote healthy behaviors on campus. During training, we discussed various aspects of mental and physical well-being and I learned so much from my peers. At the end of the semester, I applied for and was accepted to the Executive Board of Peer Health Advisors. Honestly, Eddie must have been dumbfounded that I had the guts to do this.

Second semester, I also joined a sorority and met 20 new girls who I love and can't wait to live with next year. Eddie had made me think that joining a new club or Greek life at my school would be totally miserable and I wasn't going to be good enough for either. Now reflecting on this year, I can't imagine holding myself back and not getting involved in groups I am passionate about. I remind myself that these groups accept me and love me for who I am, and Eddie is truly full of a bunch of crap.

As some readers may have read before, I rely on coping skills when I am having a tough time, and I am always looking to find new ones. In order to feel strong this past year, I went to the gym as often as I could, even if it was just for a short walk. And when my social battery was low, I had to make sure I had enough time alone to recharge, something that can be very challenging in dorm life.

I also found a new coping skill when I was least expecting it. Throughout the year, friends and I, and my boyfriend Matt (Yes, we are still together!), continuously hunted for the best stores to go thrifting. I soon realized that it became a very mindless activity for me and I really looked forward to searching for stylish pieces (especially without the guilt of spending a lot of money or the guilt of wasteful fast fashion). You might be surprised when I say thrifting has truly helped me with my relationship with my body and food.

I want to share with you the three things I learned while thrifting. First, I have always felt there is a specific look at each retail store where I shopped, whether that be Brandy Melville or Lululemon, and I felt there was an unspoken rule of how I was supposed to look in their clothes. That is most definitely not the case when it comes to thrifting. There are people of all ages and sizes searching through the racks for clothes of their own style. Nobody is expecting you to look a certain way or be a certain size to shop there.

Second, I learned that each person is hunting for their own unique item to fit them, not the other way around. I was always told the quote “Clothes are supposed to fit you not you fit them” but I never truly understood the meaning until I went thrifting. I noticed that I was looking for specific styles and sizes that needed to fit me. It wasn't like I was trying to fit into a single store size or style.

The last thing I want to emphasize is the uniqueness of every piece you leave with. When I wear my thrifted clothes, I could very well be wearing someone’s dad’s pants from the 2000s and I find that hilarious and exciting. Eddie might tell me to feel embarrassed that I am wearing men’s clothing, but instead, I choose to reframe that thought and proudly wear a stylish new pair of jeans that my body feels good in.

If you or someone you know struggles to enjoy shopping or embracing their body I highly recommend trying thrifting. It may take some time to become comfortable in the environment but I promise you, it will alter the way your mind thinks of shopping.

Thank you all again for supporting me and happy summer!