It's a Matter of Time

I have been preoccupied with time and what lies ahead of me. I think about the next time I will eat a scary meal, the next time I have to wear a cute outfit, and the next time I have to hear how much I weigh.

Thinking about time can consume me throughout a whole day, and I realize that by doing that, I have no time left to just live my life. In recovery, we are taught to plan ahead so that we can think through how to handle challenging situations. It is a good strategy to manage anxiety, but there is that line between being prepared, and being consumed, and I often cross that line. I am working on finding a balance between preparing and being present.

At my most recent FBT appointment (Family-Based Treatment)*, my parents and therapist began to discuss how much time I have until I leave for college. I'm freaking about going to college in less than 8 months (YAYA LEHIGH!). That's so exciting and crazy to think about. But with this anticipation of college, we have begun to discuss if I will be strong enough to be on my own.

I'm not sure if I have shared this before, but I haven't eaten a meal alone in almost two years. And if I’m being honest, I haven’t even had one bite of anything—even a snack—without someone else there. I can't remember the last time I felt hungry and made myself a sandwich to quiet that hunger. Since this all began, I have gone from being fed, to having meals plated for me, to eating more comfortably with friends and family. But I have not chosen to eat even one time when alone. I don’t totally understand why this next (last?) step is so incredibly difficult for me. I think by affirmatively choosing to eat, I am finally standing up to Eddie and I’m not sure I can do that. But to go to college, I need to be able to feed myself without my parents and friends guiding the way. And I’m terrified.

I sat there sobbing for most of the session because of how afraid I am of the timeline. Eight months to figure out how to eat meals alone and to feed myself every day. If I can’t do that in the next 8 months, then I may not be able to go to Lehigh in the fall. I thought that the beginning of recovery was scary, but I’m pretty sure this is the scariest part so far. In my eyes, this is perhaps the last leap before feeling normal.

After the session, I continued crying, thinking about how hard these next few months will be. All of my friends are looking at the time left in high school and planning amazing trips and events to celebrate the transition to college. I want to focus on that too. As I head into these next couple of months, I have to remind myself that while I need to be prepared for challenges, I just need to do my best everyday. I will wake up and think about how exciting it is to begin a whole new day. I don’t want to waste any more time arguing with myself as to whether i should eat or not.

There’s a lot I don’t know about the future. And so I can’t worry about it all the time. But I do know one thing for sure: it is time for me to have a meal by myself.

*For more information on FBT, see: Family-based therapy highly effective for most anorexia patients - Mayo Clinic