The Power of AND

I don't want to recover.

I don't want to gain weight.

I don't want to be at this meal right now.

I don't want to go out.

I don't want to wear a bathing suit.

I don't want to eat at a restaurant.

I don't want to see my body.

I don't want to go to therapy.

I don't want to eat lunch.

I don't want to eat this fear food.

I don't want to finish my plate.

I don't want to keep fighting.

I don't want to try on clothes.

I don't want to take pictures.

I don't want to talk about how I feel.

I don't want to eat with friends.

I don't want to get ice cream.

I don't want to drink that.

I don't want to recover.

AND I do it anyway.

One of the most crucial parts about recovery was acceptance. It was difficult to accept that I had a serious issue. It was difficult to accept that I needed to leave school and focus on myself. And once I was deep into the journey, it was difficult to accept the changes in my body and the need to gain weight. I learned that although my ED voice told me I couldn't, I knew I still needed to.

I learned this through a therapy group I joined after I left the hospital. The theory of accepting the difficulty and doing it anyway comes from the therapeutic approach known as DBT (Dialectical behavior therapy). Recognizing that something is difficult and doing it anyway is one of the most powerful skills to have.

My biggest fear became the thing I had to do to save myself. I didn't want to AND I did it anyway. The AND has so much power. It connects the things I want with the things I need. I want to restrict and live in the control of my ED, AND I need to eat to get better. Recognizing the AND that bridges the two was one of those moments where it all clicked. I understood that it’s okay to not want to, but you can't let that stop you from doing it. Even today I use AND to comfort myself in difficult situations. I'm still learning to accept the number on the scale and the way my body looks. I want to restrict AND I don't want to live in the misery of my ED.

The power of AND goes beyond recovery. It can be used for everyday things. I don’t feel like going on a walk AND I know that it is helpful for me to get out of the house. I don’t want to study for this test AND I will because I want a good grade.

The word AND has saved me so many times when my ED tells me “no.” It's okay to hear the ED voice and acknowledge it, AND you must not give it power. The AND has the power.