Thanksgiving Thoughts

This week's blog is dedicated to the upcoming holiday. I have mixed emotions about Thanksgiving, and maybe others can relate. This holiday is great because I love being with my family, but it is also more than a little terrifying for me. As an anorexic in recovery, sitting around a table eating for hours, well, it kind of grosses me out if I am going to be honest. I don't want it to gross me out, but over this past year, I have looked to food as a necessary fuel to survive, rather than for enjoyment. I used to enjoy food, and I hope to again, but I’m not there yet.

I know my grandma and other family members will make a beautiful array of yummy food, and everyone will talk about how terribly delicious it all is. I will smile, laugh and eat, but just below the surface, I will be fighting to stay present as I work to keep that ED voice at bay. The hardest part will be when someone makes a comment like “I just ate so much that I need to skip meals for a week.” Most people won’t even think about that comment, but it will just hit me. A year ago, it would have been more than I could handle. This year, though, I will likely just catch my mom’s eye, maybe even have a faint smile, and just try to move on.

To anyone else who may be anxious for this meal, I want to remind them of a favorite new expression, shared with me by a subscriber of my blog: “If you want a bigger life, you may need a bigger pair of jeans to go with it.” It’s funny and very true for this holiday. Thanksgiving is full of joy and love, and you can't be happy when you're consumed about every bite you take. I hope to focus on the faces across the table rather than the food on my plate.

In preparation for this holiday, I have taken steps to make it a more comfortable setting for me. I have discussed with my therapist about coping skills to do before, during, and after the meal to enjoy it as much as possible.

The other part of the holiday that I struggle with is feeling grateful. This is a little hard to admit. Sad but true, this is often a struggle for me. At Hebrew high school recently, the leader said to the group: “Raise your hand if you feel grateful for the life you live.” Everyone in the room raised their hand, and I noticed that I hesitated. How dare I hesitate. I have an incredible family. Beautiful friends. The best boyfriend (Hi Matt). And unlimited support for all my struggles. I have everything I could need. So how could I still be not satisfied.

I sometimes get angry at myself for being an ungrateful brat. But in a recent conversation with my therapist about this emotion, I was reminded that I can have both feelings at once. I can be grateful and still struggle. I'm so lucky to be loved by so many people, but I am still learning how to love myself. I think that's ok. At least for now.

This holiday I would like to show gratitude for all of the support I have been given this past year, AND I also still recognize that I have more struggles ahead of me. The power of AND really works all the time :))