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Sometimes I Stall

  • Charlotte Busch-Vogel
  • Aug 28, 2021
  • 2 min read

Updated: Oct 2, 2021


During treatment, I often looked for distractions to get my mind off my weight and food guilt. Sometimes, watching TV worked, and other times a family game night helped, but during my worst moments the only thing that managed to get me out of my head was driving.

When I first learned to drive with, I realized how much I needed to focus on the road. This forced me to temporarily stop those mean and intrusive eating disorder thoughts. Then I picked up driving stick shift. Crazy right? My dad has an old VW with a manual transmission and had always wanted to teach one of his kids how to drive it. It didn't stick with my older brother, but I thought it was a challenge worth trying.

I was pretty awful at first. The car would stall (the engine would cut out) at every moment possible. I would panic backing out of the driveway, and the car would stall. I would come to a red light, and the car would stall. Another driver honked at me, and the car would stall. It became a pattern of stalling, and it was sooooo frustrating.

I remember one day, when I was in a panic about not wanting to stall, my dad calmed me down by telling me that I shouldn’t be upset about stalling because every time I stall, I am learning how NOT to stall. That made so much sense! After a lot of practice, I learned when the car would stall and how to avoid it. I never really was one of those who subscribed in the “practice makes perfect”mentality, but it sure worked! Now, I cruise around town with my stick shift. I go to field hockey, pick up friends, and go out to lunch. That being said, that doesn't mean I NEVER stall. I tend to stall at least once every time I drive. But, through all this practice, I now know how to stay calm, get restarted, and move forward again.

Stalling is not limited just to driving stick. Even though I am in recovery, I still stall. I still have days where I don’t want to recover. I still have some moments where I want to give up. There are some meals that are just much harder than anyone around me realizes. And I need to get support from others to get moving again. I don’t know if it will ever be a smooth ride for me. But each time I have these moments, I remind myself how much stronger I am now than I was before. And each time I face a challenging meal or have a particularly difficult day, I am better equipped to get back on track. Every time I stall, I get better at learning how not to stall.

I used to think that stalling meant I was failing. But that's definitely not what it is. When my eating disorder voice gets loud, it just means I need to be louder. Sometimes, I feel that I totally have it all under control. And sometimes, I stall. That’s what recovery is. It’s a wave and I’m doing my best to ride it.

 
 
 

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