My Motivation Board

When I first was admitted to the hospital, I felt Iike I had lost everything. Everything, that is, that I felt was important: my freedom to eat alone (or not eat), the comfort of weighing myself, and the strange sense of control that my ED gave me. My foggy mind thought that those were the most important things in the world, and I didn’t want to lose them.

Now, almost a year after being admitted, I can see once again what is truly important: my health, my family and friends, and my normal daily routine. Recovery requires that the person recovering wants to recover. I initially had no interest in recovering. But eventually, I decided recovery was worth it. But where did that motivation come from?  

In part, it came from the motivation board that my dad made for me, to remind me of what I was fighting for. He put it all around the house to keep it at the forefront of my mind. The best spot for it was on the refrigerator, directly in front of where I struggled the most, at the dinner table. When I would shut down and not want to fight my ED, my parents reminded me to look straight ahead.  The truth is, for a while, it kind of pissed me off when they told me to look at it. I didn’t want to be reminded about what I used to care about.

There, on one piece of paper, was displayed nearly all of the things I loved to do. The top row includes the stick shift of a car that I was really enjoying learning how to drive, my favorite ski run in Park City, Utah, and women paying field hockey, the sport I was forced to quit for health reasons.  

The middle row has places I miss or want to be able to go to. It included my goal to study abroad in Paris, my summers in heaven at Camp Romaca, and my love for attending Giants games with my dad.

Finally, the bottom row shows the Jeep that my dad and I wanted to buy, and the city of Jerusalem in Israel, a place that is really important to me, and from where I had returned right before the pandemic.

The last spot is filled with the eating disorder recovery symbol which reminded me that

all of the above experiences would only be possible when I recover. All of the pictures have the word "NEVER" in the lower right corner, and the ED symbol has the final words; “NEVER GIVE UP.”  This is a quote attributed to Winston Churchill, expressed during World War II to motivate his country to keep fighting when the outcome of the war was unclear. (Just to be clear, I didn’t know this until my dad told me when he made this board).

And while I had a hard time looking at the board, and as cliche as it sounds, these images and words were one of the most important parts of my journey. I needed to be reminded why I was doing all this hard work. I needed to see it. The numbers on the scale were empty. My favorite places and activities were full of life. 

I can proudly say that all of the motivations on that page are now back in my life! I have mastered driving stick, I went skiing in Park City in April, I am playing on the varsity field hockey team, and I drive to school in my dope ass Jeep (when my dad is not using it). My first Giants football game is next month. Camp Romaca will be coming soon. And finally, France and Israel will be on the schedule in the coming years.  Having photos of the things that I love, things that made me me, helped keep me looking forward. That ED voice was a bully, especially during meals, but those images helped motivate me to fight back.

What motivates you? Print out photos and make a motivation board to help you remember how important it is to keep fighting.