Learning Persistence

Sometimes it confuses me as to how long I have been in ‘recovery’. From the minute I started restricting, my mom swooped in and knew exactly what I was trying to do. By the end of June 2020, she had set me up with all kinds of doctors and specialists to drag me out of the funk Eddie was me pulling into. I remember being absolutely pissed that she was so aware of my restrictive eating. She was ruining my plan! Although my parents did everything they could do, it was clear that I was so stuck in my head, and Eddie seemed unstoppable, that I needed a higher level of care.

My parents decided that the best bet to help me get better was through Family-Based Treatment, which started with 6 weeks in a partial hospitalization program. Not gonna lie…it was terrible. I got even angrier at my parents for trying to ‘fix’ me and force me to gain weight. I hated going to the hospital in the morning, and made the meals I had to have at home as long and difficult as I possibly could. I barely spoke to my parents, especially my mom, for three months. And if I did talk… it would be screaming about how terrible they are for trying to help me. I was so mean. But nevertheless, they kept going. They showed up at the hospital sometimes as much as 3-4 times a day for meetings and therapy. I would often sit there silently glaring at them, yet they still reminded me how much they loved me throughout each therapy session. I truly acted like a toddler the first few weeks in treatment. Kicking and screaming at every meal, but somehow, through all that, they still persisted. My mom would hold me as I sobbed through dinner. My dad would tell hilarious jokes attempting to distract me from the fear of food on my plate. My mom would pick up my spoon and slowly guide it towards my mouth to prompt me to take a bite, feeding me like a baby. My dad would repeat encouraging quotes as I began to shake looking at dinner. I don't know if there is a right way to help your daughter survive through such a terrible illness like anorexia, but if there was one, my parents sure did it. I want to acknowledge all the ‘correct’ things my parents did. (I'll do another blog about the mess-ups 😉). For those of you who have a loved one struggling, this could potentially help you when trying to connect with them. They never once made a comment on my body. Never once commented about how much food I was eating (and it was alot). Never once made me feel like a disappointment. Never once showed their anger about how hard this was. They never made me feel guilty for taking so much energy out of the household. And no matter how tough it got, they never told me that I was too sick to recover. Of course, there were times they weren't so helpful…I'm learning that nobody is perfect. But I know that I am as strong as I am today because of the unconditional support of my parents. I can't even imagine how hard it was to watch me disappear the way I did. I know it was painful for my parents and I know they are exhausted from this whole journey. But they always persisted. Not only did they save me from the darkness of Eddie, they taught me a very valuable lesson. My parents taught me what persistence looks like. They never gave up on me. They pushed me to get better no matter how hard it got. I recognize now, that this is something I need to remember for myself always. There will be many many struggles that I will face in my future, and just like my parents, I can't give up. I must persist. My parents believed that I could get to the other side of this journey. I'm still not quite there but somehow they taught me to trust them and persist when I didn't know it was possible.