Introducing Eddie

As I continue to write my blogs, I notice that there is one thing missing from my story. Many times in my writing I have referred to the “ED voice” in my head. Very early on, I actually gave this voice a name and personified it. His name is Eddie. And Eddie is a lying, manipulative, controlling SOB. lol

In treatment, I was urged to separate myself from my eating disorder. This means to recognize that it is Eddie who is making me feel a certain way and not my own thoughts. It was important for me to recognize that I’m not a bad person, but rather its Eddie. It's easier to fight the demon when he isn't you….right?

My mom and I think Eddie is like an abusive ex-boyfriend. He says you need him. He says he will make you happy. He says he won't hurt you. But there is no truth to any of this Eddie is the biggest liar I have ever met. He makes restricting sound like the greatest fantasy.  And

sometimes, I still believe this false narrative. But this past year has proven that if I continue to trust this monster, I will just endanger myself.

Although I hate his guts, its reslly hard to get rid of Eddie. He's an addiction and its very easy to let him hang around. The hardest battle in the loooong war is that I must unfriend Eddie to save myself. This is the challenge of recovery. Eddie tells me not to eat so I can be “skinny.” And I have to continuously tell him to get packing.

Eddie does not actually care about me. He wants me to have a bad self- image. When he was in most control, he would make me hate myself and convince me that everyone hates me too. Edie was always trying to isolate myself from my family and friends so that he was the only one who was with me.

By personifying Eddie, it has also been easier for my family to help me fight back. They weren’t angry at me. They hated Eddie. We could curse and

scream at Eddie, and even conjure up what this jerk looked like. With them by my side, I have been stronger to fight him.

So while I’m introducing Eddie to you, I have no interest in having him stick around. I encourage any of you that have to fight your own demons to give them a name and say screw off!!. I also want to shoutout the book Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer that inspired me to fight Eddie.