Giving Back Tuesday (or any day really)

One day last week, I was having a really hard time fighting Eddie. I hid in my room and convinced myself that everyone hated me and thought I was terrible a person. Obviously, I know that's not true, but when Eddie takes over it’s very hard to debate him.

I had shut down and my parents realized I was struggling. They gave me a little time to myself, which I appreciated. But they didn’t give me too much time and soon, they were firm that I had to come down for dinner. And reluctantly, I got out of bed and came down.

Part of terrible mood was that we had an absurd amount of extra food from a gathering that wasn’t happening anymore. Then, when my mom was serving me dinner, she suggested that we donate all of the extra food. Not the next day, but that night. We would just go and do it. I liked the idea of leaving my thoughts at home and getting out of the house.

Having a focus like that snapped me out of my funk. I was able to eat dinner and then get to work. We quickly made individual containers so that each had meatballs, pasta and veggies, and a fork and a bottle of water, and we drove to Newark. In DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), I have learned that when you help others, you often help yourself too. I can take what I learn from supporting others, and apply it to my own struggles.

At 9pm, my parents and I handed bags of food and bottles of water to 15 people who were homeless, near Newark Penn station. The saddest part of the whole experience was how easy it was. Yes, it was way too easy to find people who needed food. It was also easy for me to pack up extra food. It was so easy to drive 15 minutes. It was so easy to hand warm food to those who needed it. And it was so easy to give to someone else. Why don’t I do this more? I was no longer giving Eddie the time of day, I was just focused on other people and what I could continue to do to help.

The irony of the experience was not lost on me. For the last 18 months, I have struggled with using food (or lack of it) to express my negative feelings for myself, as a way to punish myself. And here I was sharing food with people who needed it to fuel their bodies. They greeted us with open arms and were so grateful. Connecting back to my previous post, Thanksgiving Thoughts, I can’t help but be frustrated with myself. I have the option to accept food and I choose to put myself in danger and restrict myself. That’s actually so dumb and so disrespectful to me and to others. WTF! I have been motivated to recover before, but this moment really reframed the whole journey for me.

I had two big takeaways from this night. First, when I feel like crap, the very best thing I can do is help someone else, and get my head out of my ass. And second, I need to remember that I can get lost in my own challenges and lose sight of what's really important. Food is fuel and I am finally trying to understand this phrase from another perspective.